Day one mania
Over the past few days, I’ve been having thoughts about whether I have manic depression or not. I kept analyzing about how I was when I was a kid – if I’ve always been this way. I came up to a yes. Yes, I’ve always had attachment issues; I cry over the pettiest of things; I get anxious over events that shouldn’t even bother me in the first place; I worry immensely about other people’s feelings who I shouldn’t be even giving a damn. Worse of all, I hurt the people who love by detaching myself slowly when I can’t seem to get what I want. That is the part the I hate the most. Quite recently, my world has been nothing but a roller coaster. One minute I’m ecstatic like some average joe who just won a lottery, shedding bucks for his family that is so intact and the next minute, I isolate myself in the bathroom or just stare blankly into space like the world collapsed before me. So often I find myself asking: What is wrong with me?
I didn’t mention that for the past months, I noticed that I slowly fell into the deep, dark abyss of lethargy. Or at least that’s what my dad told me the other day, talking to him overseas. My girlfriend took time to notice the same thing and has since been taking care of me in the best way she can. I don’t want this entry to be about her as it should be about this life-wrecking disorder that I have that I want so bad rid myself of. However, she feels terrible about my current state and thinks that it is largely because of her. That is not the case at all. As I am writing to you, I am also thinking about cooking since I haven’t been able to in a while because of my hectic schedule and occasional insanity (or rather, often?) and today especially after the unfortunate incident last night of my girlfriend’s sister’s baby being delivered to the emergency, I thought it a good thing to lighten things up. And I do want to. I just need to get out of this pit. I know that nobody can ever help me, and I only have myself to rely on to. I want to do something productive today. A couple of things in my to-do list is go to the bank and deposit checks, cook lunch/dinner, finish up a few pages of the current book I’m reading, get my hands on that stupid driver’s manual handbook and lastly, savor a good night with my girlfriend just enjoying her company.
Is that so hard?
