Every Generation Needs A Revolution

I want to die a…

tidalrage — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 08:10:43 +0000

I want to die a gruesome yet peaceful death tonight. Is that even possible? It’s fucking funny that my mom and my sister tells me to pray when I don’t even have a fucking faith. I know, I’m screwed forever.

Santa was never alive

tidalrage — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 09:24:23 +0000

Merry fucking Christmas. I’m celebrating Christmas over Virgin Suicides and Hey Jupiter of Tori Amos. Couldn’t that be any happier. Here’s to my ephemeral crazy boring life.

Day one mania

tidalrage — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 21:01:41 +0000

Over the past few days, I’ve been having thoughts about whether I have manic depression or not. I kept analyzing about how I was when I was a kid – if I’ve always been this way. I came up to a yes. Yes, I’ve always had attachment issues; I cry over the pettiest of things; I get anxious over events that shouldn’t even bother me in the first place; I worry immensely about other people’s feelings who I shouldn’t be even giving a damn. Worse of all, I hurt the people who love by detaching myself slowly when I can’t seem to get what I want. That is the part the I hate the most. Quite recently, my world has been nothing but a roller coaster. One minute I’m ecstatic like some average joe who just won a lottery, shedding bucks for his family that is so intact and the next minute, I isolate myself in the bathroom or just stare blankly into space like the world collapsed before me. So often I find myself asking: What is wrong with me?

I didn’t mention that for the past months, I noticed that I slowly fell into the deep, dark abyss of lethargy. Or at least that’s what my dad told me the other day, talking to him overseas. My girlfriend took time to notice the same thing and has since been taking care of me in the best way she can. I don’t want this entry to be about her as it should be about this life-wrecking disorder that I have that I want so bad rid myself of. However, she feels terrible about my current state and thinks that it is largely because of her. That is not the case at all. As I am writing to you, I am also thinking about cooking since I haven’t been able to in a while because of my hectic schedule and occasional insanity (or rather, often?) and today especially after the unfortunate incident last night of my girlfriend’s sister’s baby being delivered to the emergency, I thought it a good thing to lighten things up. And I do want to. I just need to get out of this pit. I know that nobody can ever help me, and I only have myself to rely on to. I want to do something productive today. A couple of things in my to-do list is go to the bank and deposit checks, cook lunch/dinner, finish up a few pages of the current book I’m reading, get my hands on that stupid driver’s manual handbook and lastly, savor a good night with my girlfriend just enjoying her company.

Is that so hard?

Plain Text Wars – ia Writer vs WriteRoom

tidalrage — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 04:20:47 +0000

I’ve got to stop obsessing over plain text editors on my mac app store. I’m hovering between ia writer and WriteRoom and for seemingly the longest time in my life couldn’t get to decide which one I actually like better. I know that WriteRoom offers some settings such as the background display as you type those words away, whereas the ia writer just focuses on your writing – not allowing you to idle your time away fiddling those settings and extra unnecessary features on your screen. Also, it has that FocusMode feature that actually dims out everything else but the sentence that you are currently on. Oh and did I tell you that its nitty font is so obnoxiously gorgeous?? And that already comes in the package for free. I think that singlehandedly made the purchasing decision for me, honestly.

http://www.richardcobbett.com/2011/05/ia-writer-vs-writeroom/

Check out this article that I found on the web as I was researching on which works better for everyone. I thought it was pretty interesting because he pointed out how ridiculous it was that the less features a text editor has, the better and more pricey it actually is. That holds true with the ia writer which I love so much. In addition, I noticed that so many writers are mega hyping about this nitty font. And yeah, it is that essential. Aesthetic-wise. I’m a minimalist by nature and that pretty much appeals to me. The full screen, zero setting, focus mode would practically work for the always-distracted ADD like me. I’m yet to convince myself that I cannot live without this as a writer myself.

Oh boy, I think I’m getting it.

Death cab for cutie date night <3

tidalrage — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 09:03:20 +0000

So my girl bought me tickets for our 2nd monthsary to see Death cab for cutie. What can I say… I was so excited and happy! The concert was at San Francisco at the Masonic Center and although I just got off work, and we were still both a little tired from the day workout, we made it a point to fight less so we can make it. No actually, we didn’t fight at all. Isn’t that the greatest day? I’m all smiles.

So I just wanted to share my favorite song of them – which strangely quickly became my girl’s favorite as well. The song’s called ‘I’ll Follow You Into The Dark’. It’s a beautiful, beautiful, dark yet very sweet song that I have always yearned to be dedicated on for. Tonight, she just told me that it’s her song for me. Isn’t that the sweetest thing?

tidalrage — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:49:26 +0000

Because I think It’s pretty inspiring:

“And I still screw up a lot of the time. So that’s why I’ve often said… the only thing standing between greatness is me. There is no excuse.”

- Woody Allen

crappy day

tidalrage — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:28:29 +0000

It’s been approximately a month since I moved in with my now-gf whose name is Amanda and I know that I owe you that bit. I’ve just been too caught up with a lot of things lately. Moving away is simply ingrained in the vagabond in me and inevitably a part of my life… unfortunately.

Anyway, what I was really meaning to tell you was that I spent this entire day wasting away emotionally and just annoyed the fuck out. First off, I thought that writing to you would be a therapy just like it always has when the world had its back on me. and it is.. now that i’m typing these words way I feel a little better. But just a little before I opened this blog, I went through the trouble of trying to desperately remember all the possible passwords I could’ve had in the past months and years of my usage. So I did. an utter fail it was for the first half hour. I tried opening my email and I could not reset just cos stupidly enough, I forgot its password too. FML. I just wanted to write sooo bad!! So yeah.. it was one hell of a ride down the memory lane. Finally I was able to open it through the help of my girl. And here I am, basking in the joy of writing. Oh god, so much unnecessary ranting. Anyway. I still feel like shit right now with my head at everywhere.. the room being so messy that being a hippie ain’t so cool anymore. My girl being a bitch at me just cos I’m no fun when I have terrible cramps to deal with and can’t go out to buy wonton soup with her. Yeah, it is that unbearable. And now I’m being so antsy about my future and what I’m going to do for the year coming up. I have been in the house all day and I haven’t done shit. I’m too down in the dumps and it is slowly killing me.

HELP.

Thanksgiving giveaway letter

tidalrage — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 22:17:52 +0000

It’s been quite a while since I wrote something down. Partly because I have been too busy living my life, partly cos I have literally been busy working my ass off and a myriad of other things. Today is thanksgiving and I have decided that I was going to write something because, well, rather obviously, It’s considered a very special occasion here in the states which I have quickly learned to like and appreciate a lot – and I thought the hiatus for my writing had been such a long time and I just immensely missed the feel of having scribbling something down and reading it back with all your thoughts seemingly in the most flawless organization it could ever be. My mind had been a complete and utter mess, and I really miss writing being my therapist as a way to sort things our for me. Anyway. Enough about that bit. I actualy want to enumerate the things, the very reason, why I am so godawfully thankful for this day. and maybe for days to come If I’m lucky enough to be still alive – not that I intend to sound morbid here.

Where should I start?

First and foremost, I am most thankful for the people in my life who managed to stay despite my incredible ability to stay insane althroughout these years and by people, I meant family and friends. To be specific, I am thankful for my mom who I share a love-hate relationship with almost every single day of my life even when i already moved out. I’m also thankful for my dad, brother, my onday (my aunt that stood as my second mom during those years I achingly yearned for one) who were always there for me, though not physically, but which I nevertheless get to talk to every now and then; them, who I know would always support me with every decision I make through and through, for better or for worse, because I have earned their trust and faith over the years of our togetherness. I love them so much and I would never trade anything for them. I am also thankful for my aunt, who’s the sister of my mom who took me in when I badly needed a place to stay because things back home weren’t exactly swaying in my favor. She might not know this, but I really am thankful for her goodness. Also to my beautiful and crazy cousin who’s shown me nothing but sweetness. These people are what makes this holiday special because I know that no matter what, they are there to stay.

However, few occurences in our lives led us into believing that everything is enough and then some people come and suddenly it seems that what you thought was enough is not very; that you never knew you needed more to make you happier. I am thankful for my partner now who has been so generous to give out love in copious amounts that I never knew someone so damaged could possibly have been capable of doing so. Hehe. No pun intended, my love. I also thank her sisters who’s now my new family and is nothing short of sweet. I love these new people in my life and I can’t wait to share more of my love to them.

And can I possibly forget all the great people I met at work and who I continuously cultivate relationships with? You guys know who you are. Also to Danny, the store manager of 257 San Carlos INO I previously worked at who was a great and wonderful one at what he does.

To Jackie, Ryan and Faith that I adore so much back in Bakersfield. I miss and love you guys so much. You guys are like family I’ll see you soon.

Much love,

Toni.

tidalrage — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 10:38:06 +0000

Sometimes I just want to skip this part of my life. Does it really take that long?

Tomato-basil pasta

tidalrage — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 10:00:28 +0000

So for tonight’s dinner, I made some vegan pasta. First of all, I can’t tell you how much I’ve changed over the course of a few months. It is important for you to know that I have decided to be a vegan myself. I don’t exactly know when or how or why, but I guess one day I just woke up feeling like it. As if it was the right thing to do; that it was what I should’ve been doing all the years in my life. I’ve to say that it is extremely difficult at times to have to endure a night of dinner with my Family either feasting on chicken or lamb. My mom tells me I’m crazy. I guess I am. Only because I don’t exactly know why I have changed this so rapid and dramatically. I feel that I’ve more things to learn and unravel about the truth and essence of what I’m doing. As of now, I’m trying to educate myself as much as I can so I can finally prove a point to myself as to why it is important that I’m doing what im doing. My strongest intuitions tell me I’m on the right path, though.