Book Review: It Starts With Us [Colleen Hoover]

Abusive relationships. Well, that’s really the main theme of this book. What is it about romanticizing abuse in “love” relationships that appeals to most despite knowing its dark side? Perhaps it’s the unknown, unpredictable twist and naive wishful thinking that love ultimately wins and conquers it all. Or perhaps it offers a perspective on love that fills in the void for those whose hearts have been bruised through the test of time.

The story starts with Lily hanging out in a balcony of an apartment building, captivated by the sight of Ryle smoking up in the same apartment building. As in any other ‘abuser’, Ryle presents a calm and mysterious guy. somewhat playful, and has a relaxed and quiet confidence about him. I think it’s easy to fall for a guy like him- handsome, young and has a promising career (neurosurgeon). As predicted, it does not take long until Lily can’t stop thinking about him and immediately falls for him as soon as she laid eyes on him. Later on, we find out Ryle professes he felt the same way. I imagine Lily to be the stereotypical girl-next-door that most men fall head over heels for. Educated, owns her own flower shop business, and fiercely independent. But surprise surprise, Lily hides a traumatic past brought on by her parents’ tumultuous relationship, or what could aptly be more contributed to the hands of her forceful father against her enduring mother. Her mother lives, her dad has passed, while her childhood wounds has yet to heal. You could say that nothing beats the timing when Ryle walked in her life.

In many ways, Lily and Ryle’s relationship does start strong and passionate. You feel Lily’s love for Ryle and want to protect it at all costs. Slowly, Ryle’s core is peeled off, revealing glimpses of dark and violent tendencies of what he’s capable of when provoked. The book manages to weave in at least few incidents of his abrupt violence towards Lily, and each time, I find myself desperately wanting things to go back the way it was. Sometimes, even blaming Lily for saying the wrong thing or laughing at the wrong time. It’s almost as if this love is so precious that I am willing to look past what Ryle did and hope for the best in the future. After all, he is the sweet and affectionate man when he is at his best. It does not help that he is attractive and a has a successful career. To an average young woman seeking for the kind of love you see in movies and books, this is exactly every woman’s dream come true. Ryle’s character here is so realistic that I find myself rooting for him in his helpless moments, but recognize that this is also the type of relationship that only those who went through abusive relationships would warn you about. Being in an abusive relationship is mostly a solitary and lonely experience, as Lily’s story proves to be.

While Lily has another love interest, Atlas, whom I adore and cherish for the savior that he is, the parts dedicated to him in the book did not captivate me as Ryle and Lily’s story did. Atlas had a quiet and strong confidence about him as well, but I find him to be painfully uninteresting and plain. I also did not like the fact that he waited too long to catch up with Lily. Loving someone can be as simple as reaching out and letting the person know you exist – then it’s up to them to decide what they want to do with that knowledge. Why on earth can’t Atlas be a little bit more proactive about his love for Lily, and instead waits all these years to profess his love for her?

This is by no means a full review of the book because it only focuses on one main theme of the book – that is, abuse. The books does not go into heinous details about what abuse encapsulates, but simply endeavors to tell that abuse can come in different faces and variations. For instance: who knew that abuse can disguise as a pretty picture until you laugh at the wrong turn?

Normal

2/10/22

A million minutes of silence. That’s what it feels like when I go through bouts of wavering highs and lows. I’m not really sure anymore if the highs are as high as the ones i’ve had in the past, or the lows are even remotely as the lows i’ve subjected myself into. No, i’m just pretty straightforwardly normal. A very normal person who happens to be going through some transitions in life while figuring out the best path forward. In fact, that’s my mistake- i spent most of my time ruminating all the possible scenarios with every step i take. If i go drive to work tomorrow vs staying home to work, will i make it to my spinning class without being overly stressed out by bay area traffic? Geez Louise. I guess now that i’m saying it out loud, i sound like a terrifyingly normal person crying out petty little things. Where did my deep, dark and cryptic soul go?

I think my thing is i am not quite used to feeling like i should be damn alright. And that’s ok, too. Maybe i will learn to step out of the burning coals someday. Enjoy the precious little silence, feel the breeze brush violently against my face. Staying, lingering. 

My Heart

***

What is the true measure of enduring emotions?

Do we attribute it to the test of time?

In a sweeping tide of tumultuous sea, I feel nothing but the cold harsh slap of wind on my skin.

In the calmness of a deep forest, I struggle to keep a steady foot.

In the midst of a serene, unwavering peaceful rustle of leaves, I hear nothing but the drone of a weathered heart.

In the silence of my own reverie, I hesitate between joy, pain of remembering and a tight grasp on reality.

A whole well of the unknowns.

Profound. Unexpected. Yet a constant.

Would it truly be over?

***

I’m alright

At what point does one have to stop whining/being emotional? When you’re almost 30, it feels like there’s this unspoken societal rule that you’re not allowed to fall back in your ’emo’ days… you know, those days when you’d listen to your old favorite rock bands? I mean, I still do, once in a while, even without feeling emo, because I love what I love.  But these days, i’ve just been more susceptible to feeling crappy and nostalgic…

I guess i’m just a little stressed out. I should be reviewing for a test (trying to go back to school next year), but my mind is just not right.

What emo song should I listen to next? (bahaha)  *nervous laugh*

Everything is alright. Everything is alright. There, just convinced myself.

A Year in Review

2020. What a year.

Looking back at the end of 2019, I thought to myself: “This was an incredibly hard year for me”. It was a year of tremendous personal and professional growth. A year of firsts, copious amount of self-loathing and salvation in the end.

Professionally, this was the first year I started to actually ‘travel’ for work, lead a team and acquire my own client. All three of these happened within a span of two months. It was pretty insane. My life revolved around my job predominantly. I was learning how to handle stress, pick my battles and deal with difficult people. Slowly, it took a toll on my mental well-being as I was wholly consumed with learning different aspects of the job while simultaneously bringing people up to speed and overall doing stellar work. It was not a healthy environment for me and soon enough, I found myself constantly on edge and ready to punch a blow at the next incriminating word. I was defensive and felt very cutthroat, to which I thought was pretty standard and what it usually take to be successful.

Towards the end of the year, in the midst of intense self-loathing and putting on pounds, I began to think what really matters to me. Why was I always stressed out? Was there something underlying this stress? What was it that I fear the most? So what if I fail, and fail at it greatly? Is it the end of the world? I then realized that none of these thoughts would truly materialize unless I was too focus on making them happen. As one of my professors in college once said, “pink flamingos”. They can be anywhere if you look for them constantly. My point is, this led me down to the path of mindfulness, or if I can bravely and with much seriousness say, meditation. Oh, how i treasure this and consider to be a marvelous gift on my path to self-discovery.

So by the end of 2019, I felt a slow but gradual shift in my mind and how I process words being said, situations that arise, and positive or negative thoughts that emerge. Truth is, nothing really matters. It’s all in our mind. Probably easier said than done, but I suppose this takes a lot of practice, tears and patience and when you finally get there, it is but a mere split second of pure joy and nothingness. But I am learning to take pleasure even in this simplest moments of breakthrough. I incorporated meditation to my life every day and started to plan other fun things that I may be missing out because of my old mindset teeming with fear.

I would say that 2019 was a difficult but a great year in terms of the opportunity for self-evaluation that it allowed me, but more importantly, for the renewed hope that the following year will be as good as I can make it out to be. It’s all under my control, or as I would like to believe.

Yet. 2020 is already proving to be a whirlwind of anxiety due to this global pandemic. I have been lucky to be able to work remotely, but for many others, this is a luxury they cannot afford. I constantly worry about my loved ones- Cody, mom, dad, siblings, friends  and other people I know. I’d like to think that this is an opportunity for me to exercise my newfound skill of mindfulness. So far, it has been working. My experience has been that whenever I think of a gut-wrenching event, I try to separate myself from that thought, and sometimes that seems to work magically the first time. For the most part, it comes in waves and I am left exhausted trying to pry mind apart to rid myself of these thoughts. I’m still judging, not accepting. The idea of acceptance seem to have permeated the meditation community in a huge way, if they’re not already defined by it. but what is it, really, to accept?

Somewhere out there there’s a line that goes along the tune of, “Grant me the courage to change what I can, and the resilience to accept what I can’t”.

I think this might be the reverberating theme of this year for me.

 

 

Eat Pray Love

Snatching this beauty from the movie (not the book, I cheated) :

“It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I look around to this place, at the chaos it has endured, the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found away to build itself back up again.”

Oh, this hits home. In so many levels. So many aspects of my life.

flux

July 2, 2019. I got engaged. Engagement.. what weird concept. I’m content and happy. Wow, it feels so freeing to write that.

All my life, I seem to thrive on faux misery and self-inflicted angst stemming from my somewhat conservative upbringing. So it is weird to think that i am engaged to be married and actually not miserable, lonely and utterly and completely unhappy.

But don’t be mistaken- I am not taken in the sense that I’ve stopped and settled at the last train station. I still find myself roaming about, flitting around at that next cafe, wildly anticipating the rich taste of that coffee. I am just happier and more comfortable at the idea that I will most likely eternally be in a constant state of flux.

Adulting sucks

Hello, dear. My imaginary, non-judgy friend. I think about writing to you a lot these days.

I pop on This Feeling by Alabama Shakes and it goes, “See, I’ve been having me a real bad time…but it feels so nice to know I’m gonna be alright”. Mood all the way.

Ok, back to my unactionable (is that a word?) desire of writing to you. I have an excuse- hear me out. See, a little more than half a year ago, I graduated college (Stop, I know, finally) and got the privilege of working at a start-up consulting tech immediately. Oh man, nobody tells you what it’s like dealing with start-up woes, especially in the Silicon Valley. I may seem like I make my job sound so glamorous when speaking to fam and friends, but in reality, I’m fucking miserable. I’m currently suffering from what they call an impostor syndrome. Everyday is literally a pain in the ass. Yep, I said it. This takes up a lot of my time and I’m now left with much less time dedicating it to my creative mind- if i have any left.

Anyway… that was one excuse. the other excuse is that I’m so scared of facing myself these days. I have so many questions in terms of life, love, adulting and career. Does anyone ever have it all figured out? Or is everyone just winging it til they make it? It sounds so basic that when you ask me a few years back, all these concerns I would’ve had easy answers on… simple recipe: pursue what you feel like doing and be happy. Deep down, this does sound promising and even right, but remind me, why and when does it get all complicated?!

Rant. rant. rant. This is why you’re my friend. Ever so patient. What am I even saying?

I feel like I started writing this with a point in mind I wanted to get across but it got lost in the chaos of my thoughts. But yeah, I wanted to share that in case you’re wondering what I’ve been up to lately. Also, I love reading back dated posts for contemplation and further self-inflicted destructive scrutiny. Hey, she’s still there! 🙂

Will write to you soon.

reflection

I am not in control of my dreams. my subconscious. Yet that yearning comes visiting again. It seems to come in spurts- in alternating moments of wakefulness and sleep. I hit snooze. I wanted to stay there, where ever that is, suspended in time. It seems so peaceful and familiar. Landslide plays in the background. I see someone looking up at the stars. It is nothing but a distant memory. but it is so close to me in that moment. I feel both a weight on me and this lightheadedness that my body seems to embrace. I wanted to stay a little longer, if I could just… I wanted to make it last.

But alas, I am up now. I need to head out. It is a busy day today, after all. I take a look at myself in the mirror one last time. I see a different person.

I spend all day forgetting. Yet I keep coming back.

Dreams

So I had this weird dream last night. I woke up with this almost deep nostalgic yearning of something I used to have. Words are not enough. For a moment, wide eyed and laying in bed, my body seemed frozen in time and my heart beat fast. There was this dull ache. No tears. Just pure ache in my chest.

I think it’s funny that after all these years, I still have these moments. I’m a completely different person now, but I still go back. Way back. It’s a funny, exhilarating feeling. Almost like driving your car recklessly. But in that split moment, it feels so darn good. So real.

There has never been anything more real.